Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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