I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
