Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
