Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
