I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
