It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
