My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
