dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
