Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
