i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
