so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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