Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
