woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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