My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
