I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
