I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
