I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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