You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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