There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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