I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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