Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
