Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
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