just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
