I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I look better un-naked...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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