I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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