god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
