I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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