Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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