I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
