I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
