How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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