I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
