I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
they're like a gay fantastic four
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
