He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
