So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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