so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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