One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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