i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
