I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
