Where are you?
In a non slutty way
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just invented taco cereal.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
try to milk me bitch
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
