True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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