ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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