you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
