shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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