Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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