You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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