my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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