Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
