she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
