please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
