My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
