You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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