Got a toothbrush?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
