I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
