yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
