I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
