When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
