you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
