she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We need to get me chipped asap
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
