In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
