you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
