now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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