Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
